


Notes Between A Penguin and A Butterfly

by PrincessSmuttButt



Category: Free!
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Romance, Yaoi, otp, reigisa - Freeform, some MakoHaru, some sourin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4917766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessSmuttButt/pseuds/PrincessSmuttButt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two boys—some might call them young men—are sitting on the floor of an apartment in the middle of winter. They are leaning back against a bed whose sheets are a complete mess, wrinkled and thrown around haphazardly. </p><p>They go through a habit that they’ve developed for times like this, when they have so much to say but can’t speak for fear of soiling the air (or being too cold). They had bought a very expensive notebook a while back, and it was filled nearly halfway with their scribbles. When they couldn’t bring themselves to speak of their feelings and their memories, the good times and the bad times and everything in between, they would pass the notebook back and forth, writing little notes to each other that filled the void of the silence. This is what they do now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Note 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends! 
> 
> (reigisa is my otp)
> 
> all the feels forever
> 
> just a series of drabbles where Nagisa and Rei relive their relationship, from the very beginning until now, by passing notes to each other. something I feel like they would do.
> 
> enjoy <3 <3 <3

Note 1

 

            Two boys—some might call them young men—are sitting on the floor of an apartment in the middle of winter. They are leaning back against a bed whose sheets are a complete mess, wrinkled and thrown around haphazardly. The taller, more muscular one with the blue hair has the shorter, slimmer one with the blonde hair in his lap. They are wrapped in three different blankets because the heater is broken, and they are passing a single cigarette between them. Neither of them enjoys smoking cigarettes very much, but they like to share one every once in a while because it gives them a strange, raw sense of intimacy that not even sexual intercourse can give them. The smaller one is shivering slightly; each time the cold sends a tremor through his body, the taller one holds him more tightly, his chin falling on his shoulder.

            The one with blue hair is Rei Ryugazaki, and the one with blonde hair is Nagisa Hazuki, and the two of them are very in love. They have been for years. They live together now, though they are doing very different things. They are determined to spend the rest of their lives with each other, huddled in this apartment with no heat in the middle of winter, too cold and stiff to get up and make a cup of tea, but conscious enough to want to share a cigarette. They are both exhausted and their eyes are droopy, but neither of them wants to fall asleep because they both feel so happy.

            They go through a habit that they’ve developed for times like this, when they have so much to say but can’t speak for fear of soiling the air (or being too cold). They had bought a very expensive notebook a while back, and it was filled nearly halfway with their scribbles. When they couldn’t bring themselves to speak in the course of their relationship, the good times and the bad times and everything in between, they would pass the notebook back and forth, writing little notes to each other that filled the void of the silence. This is what they do now. Nagisa has the notebook in his hands, though he doesn’t have a lot of range of motion because Rei’s arms are wrapped around him. Their legs intertwining, he opens the book and picks up a pen and begins to write in it. A smile creeps onto his face as Rei gently puts his lips on the back of his neck. His hair tickles Nagisa. He lets himself be held more tightly, and Rei breathes in his scent—always of strawberries and lilacs and, from the cigarette, tobacco.

            When Nagisa is finished writing his little thought, he grabs Rei’s hands, tinkers with his fingers for a few moments, and then puts the notebook within them. Then he leans his head back against Rei’s shoulder and watches Rei open the notebook and read his note.

            _Remember that time at the station, when Haru-chan and Mako-chan were still in school with us our second year, and I almost died because of that bird? But you saved me? Remember that? I think about that a lot._

            Rei does remember that. He remembers it very well.

* * *

 

 

            It was a warm day in September, in the beginning of the second semester. Not too long after we had won the relay at nationals. This was also before Nagisa and I realized we loved each other—although, now that I think about it, I suppose I can’t speak for Nagisa. Maybe he knew the whole time; I’ve never really asked him before. What I do know for certain is that, if I loved Nagisa back then, I still didn’t know it. Regardless, he was one of the most important people in life. We had become inseparable at that point, having known each other and spent an absurd amount of time with each other over the past year. Among the innumerable activities in which we partook together, riding the train to school every morning was one we also did with Makoto and Haruka. At least, before they graduated.

            Nagisa sat on the bench at the station, his legs tucked beneath him as he nibbled on a cream puff. Though I’d tried to talk him out of it, he’d insisted on stopping at a convenience store to grab it as a snack. “We’re done training hard now that summer’s over, anyway! I’ll eat what I want,” he’d said defiantly. And I couldn’t deny, watching as I stood beside him, that he looked content in only the way Nagisa could. With shimmering eyes, swaying side to side, chewing with crumbs on the corners of his smile. He was humming to himself and looked up at me. 

            “Want some, Rei-chan?” He held up the half-eaten cream puff.

            “No, thank you. Unlike you, I have to watch my calorie intake.”

            “Huh? Why?”

            “It’s not enough to only be beautiful during the swimming season, Nagisa-kun. I have to make sure my body is in top-shape for the entire year. And besides, my metabolism is nothing like yours.”

            “C’mon! Just have a few bites and run it off later or something,” Nagisa said, waving the cream puff insistently in my face. He had gotten up onto his knees, one hand on the arm of the bench. “I’ll even come running with you, if you want.”

            I blinked at him, not sure what to do with myself at that point. I had to admit, the cream puff looked delicious. And it had always been hard for me to say no to Nagisa. When he looked at me with those giant eyes, smiled innocently like a child with dimples I could see from miles away, brought his face so close that I could breathe in his aroma. He always smelled like sugary things, like cakes and like strawberries. Sometimes he smelled like vanilla, too. And he was fully aware of the power he held over my will. I’d never been able to say no to him before. I forced myself to shake my head, looking away so that I could think straight. His powers of persuasion were clouding my thoughts, his eyes cutting deep into my soul.

            “I don’t know why you worry so much about calories and stuff,” he continued with a pout. “If you ask me, you’ll be beautiful no matter how many cream puffs you eat.”

            Another one of Nagisa’s abilities was to say something completely and utterly unexpected, something deep or emotional or intelligent or kind or surprising, and make it sound completely normal. While he maintained his expression, I felt heat rushing to my face and glared over at him. How had he known, without really trying to, exactly what I wanted to hear? How had he been able to say something like that so...so _genuinely_? It was the kind of thing someone might say to me, knowing my idiosyncracies, to flatter me or butter me up or, essentially, kiss my ass. But the way Nagisa said made it seem like he truly meant it. And I knew that he did. He never said anything he didn’t really mean. I was floored. I opened my mouth to say something—anything—but my voice had fled in the wake of his words.

            While I stood, hugging my books to my chest and my mouth agape, Nagisa grabbed the opportunity. Before I could even protest, he shoved the cream puff into my mouth with a sly smile. I widened my eyes and stumbled back, as he let go of the cream puff and left it dangling from my lips. The sweet taste (not my favorite so early in the morning) erupted in my mouth and, recalling that Nagisa had eaten from this same confection, I began to blush even more. Nagisa was laughing, sitting back down on the bench as I took the cream puff from my mouth and swallowed.

            “ _Jeez_ , Nagisa-kun! Was that really necessary?”

            “Well, I felt bad! I knew you wanted to try it, but you just _wouldn’t_. So I had to make you,” he said. I furrowed my brow at him and reached the cream puff out.

            “I took a bite, so I hope you’re happy. That’s quite enough sugar for me this early.”

            “Aw, Rei-chan, not even _one_ more bite?”

            “No.”

            “I know you liiiiike it!”

            “Stop that.”

            “Hmm, do you think Haru-chan will eat it?”

            “Unless there’s mackerel in the center, I don’t think so.”

            “Ew, Rei-chan, that’s gross.”

            “Makoto-senpai might try it, though.”

            “Oh, yeah, I’ll save some for Mako-chan. Good idea.”

            “Yes, well, I’m full of them.”

            “Speaking of which, they’re late,” Nagisa grumbled. He started nibbling on the cream puff once more, while I wished I had a piece of gum (I wasn’t sure how Nagisa could bring himself to eat things like this so early).

            “They’re always late,” I replied, looking at my watch. “It’s a wonder Haruka-senpai isn’t as wrinkled as a raisin from those baths.”

            “I think that Haru-chan is a merman.”

            I covered my mouth with my hand to hide the laugh threatening to burst from my lips. Nagisa looked up at me very seriously, now with a little bit of cream on his chin to join the crumbs around his mouth.

            “I’m serious! Have you seen how long he can hold his breath?”

            “I timed him once. Nearly five minutes.”

            “See, that’s not normal. He’s a merman. He’s gotta be. It’s the only logical explanation.”

            “You have a twisted sense of logic,” I laughed, unable to hold it back. Nagisa smiled, leaning back on the bench.

            “That’s why you’re here! To untwist it.”

            I checked my watch again; a minute until the train arrived. I looked to my right, hoping to see Makoto and Haruka running toward us as always, but luck seemed to evading them that morning. They might miss this one, after all. Nagisa started humming again, stood up, put his bag over his shoulder. Just then, as he adjusted the strap on his shoulder, a small bird flew between us. Surprised at its proximity, I stumbled back, while Nagisa blinked up at it and stopped humming.

            “What a pretty bird,” he mused. That same pretty bird, with its golden feathers and black, beady eyes, swooped toward us again, this time headed for the cream puff. Nagisa let out a yelp as it grabbed what was left in its claws, flying back up. “ _Hey! Get back here!”_

            Nagisa hopped into the air to grab his snack, but the bird was out of his reach by that point. I looked past him and could see the train coming from a distance.

            “That’s not yours, you stupid bird! That’s for Mako-chan!” As Nagisa screamed after it, the bird flew in circles overhead, as if taunting poor Nagisa. I stood and watched, silent, but with the hints of a smile. Nagisa’s antics had always had a knack for putting a smile on my face. His cheeks were flushed and he was pouting and he kept jumping up, trying to reach the defiant little creature.

            “Give up, Nagisa-kun. That bird is determined to eat the rest of your breakfast.”

            “Come back, dummy!”

            “Hey, be careful.”

            The bird swooped over the tracks, and as I watched in horror, Nagisa dived after it. Reaching his arms out, biting his lower lip, letting his bag slip from his shoulder and onto the floor. I could feel the slight, ever-so-tiny, vibrations from the approaching train. He lost his footing then, tripped, tumbled forward off the edge of the platform and onto the tracks.

            “Nagisa-kun!” I dropped my books and lunged forward, by now able to clearly see the train. Heart beating fast, heat spreading to every part of my body, terrible images rushing through my head, the sound of Nagisa’s tiny scream ringing in my ears, I moved as quickly as I could. I saw nothing but Nagisa, sprawled there on the tracks, eyes wide and paralyzed as he watched the train. I felt I was moving through molasses, my feet slow while my heart raced. I cried his name again, reached my fingers out. It was the same feeling I had in nightmares, when I was running away from something but just couldn’t run fast enough.

            Somehow, I managed to get to the edge of the platform, dropping to my stomach. I let my chest hang over the edge slightly, and everything was trembling now from the oncoming train. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to look over and see it coming, didn’t want to imagine what could happen. I used every last bit of energy within me to reach out and wrap my arms around Nagisa’s waist—thank goodness I had such long limbs, which had forever been a point of teasing from Nagisa. Now they were serving me well. Nagisa, still unable to move or speak or do anything, was tense when I grabbed him.

            Then, with every ounce of power I had, running from my toes to my fingertips to the bulging veins of my neck, I pulled him up. I was acting completely on adrenaline now, moving like an animal, by instinct and in raw desperation. I think I cried out again when I pulled him up, dragging myself backward, but I can’t remember too clearly what exactly happened then. It’s blurry. But I do remember sitting on the platform, holding Nagisa by his waist, watching the train come to a jarring halt in front of us. But I could hardly see the train. My vision was foggy and there was a terrible ringing in my ears and the only thing I could feel was the warmth from Nagisa’s slightly trembling body in my arms.

            We had to have been sitting like that for at least five minutes—the train came and went, leaving us sitting at the station. I couldn’t bring myself to let go of Nagisa; it was as if I, too, had been paralyzed. In fear, in trepidation, in complete desperation and a little bit of hopelessness. Nagisa, of course, hadn’t moved at all. He was on his knees, sitting in between my outstretched legs, his back leaning back slightly against my chest as I held onto his waist. My relief was so great that as the adrenaline rushed out of my body I felt an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, and leaned my forehead down against the nape of his neck. Breathed in his sweet scent.

            _What would I do if I didn’t have you anymore, Nagisa? Answer me that, will you? What would I do? You’re my best friend. Go to school and come home together, study together, watch movies and go to arcades and spend days at the park together..._

“Nagisa-kun,” I said after who knows how long. “Nagisa-kun, are you okay?”

            He finally moved, adjusting his position and shuffling until he was facing me, his hands grabbing my wrists. I realized, with a sinking feeling, that there were tears streaming down his cheeks, and his lower lip was trembling. That sight, of course, was enough to make the tears well in my eyes, too. I had always been a sympathy crier (if I wasn’t the one to start crying first).

            “R...R...” he stumbled, unable to get the words out.

            “You don’t seem to be hurt anywhere,” I sighed. I had to do everything in power to keep the tears at bay. “Though you might have a few scrapes. No big deal, it’s a good thing—”

            “ _Rei-chan!”_

Without warning, Nagisa grabbed the front of my shirt and began to sob into my chest, his small body shivering and shaking with each dramatic breath that he took. I looked down at him, my glasses sliding down my nose, unsure of how to react. I couldn’t keep the tears back any longer. They spilled down my cheeks, down to my chin. But I didn’t wipe them away. Instead, I wrapped my arms around Nagisa and held him tightly as he cried. He wasn’t sad or afraid anymore—no, that wasn’t it. He was just in a little bit of shock and very relieved. This was normal. What I hadn’t been expecting was him holding onto me so tightly, like a child who’d found his lost mother.

            “Please don’t cry, Nagisa-kun,” I sniffled. “It’s over now. You’re okay.”

            “You...saved...me...!” he cried, his words nearly incoherent. “I...was going to...die!”

            “Stop that, won’t you?” I rubbed his back, stroked up and down, and spoke in a soft tone. “You think I would let you die, Nagisa-kun? Of course not.”

            “I-I’m sorry, Rei-chan!”

            “Hey, look at me.” I wanted my own tears to stop, but they kept flowing, especially when Nagisa looked up at me with his nose dripping and his mouth hanging open with his sobs and his eyes red and runny. He was still grasping to the fabric of my shirt. When he saw that I was crying, he started to sob harder, which was exactly the opposite of what I’d been hoping for. I managed a shaky smile, and began wiping his face. I didn’t have any tissues on me, so I just used my sleeve to wipe his nose. As I ran my thumbs along his cheeks and the corners of his eyes, dried his nose, let my own tears flow, his sobs began to die down. Like his body was finally recovering from the shock. But he didn’t let go of my shirt.

            “Thank you, Rei-chan,” he said quietly. “Really, I mean it.”

            “Don’t mention it.”

            “I’m sorry, I was reckless again.”

            “Let’s just be happy you’re safe,” I smiled. Then, I suppose the exhaustion that I had been feeling came over him, as well, and he sank down onto the platform. He leaned his forehead against my chest, took a deep breath, loosened his grip on my shirt.

            “I ruined your shirt, too. I’m a terrible friend.” He was nearly whispering, his voice low and gravelly and monotonous with exhaustion.

            “No, don’t say that,” I murmured. “You’re a great friend. My best friend.”

            “Yeah? You mean it?”

            “Of course I do.”

            “That’s good. Hey, Rei-chan.”

            “Mm?”

            “What would you do if I’d died? If that train had really hit me?”

            “Don’t ask me such an absurd question, I don’t want to think about it.”

            “Okay. Well, thanks for saving me. You’re the greatest.”

            Relieved, content, overwhelmed, exhausted, I put my hands on Nagisa’s back and let him just sit there. Made tired by the mere fact that he was alive.

            “I don’t think I want to have cream puffs anymore,” he murmured. I laughed. Even now, I laughed. Even now, he said something to make me laugh.

            “Rei! Nagisa! Are you okay? What happened?”

            We both looked up to see Makoto and Haruka, out of breath, running toward us. Nagisa and I glanced at each other, then I stood up and helped him to his feet. He wiped the remains of his tears and clasped his hands behind his back, rocked back on his heels, as I picked up his bag and my strewn books.

            “Hi, Mako-chan! Hi, Haru-chan!” he said. “Sorry, I had a cream puff for you, Mako-chan, but a bird stole it.”

            “Huh? Oh, uh, that’s okay, Nagisa.”

            “Sorry we’re late. We missed the train,” Haruka added matter-of-factly.

            “Let’s skip school today,” Nagisa offered. We all just stared at him. “I want to go to the beach. Let’s go to the beach.”

            So we skipped school and went to the beach, and I think that Nagisa was just very happy to be alive. While I, for some reason that I couldn’t pinpoint, was just very happy to see him very happy and feel that we were together.  


	2. Note 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do these two make me so emotional
> 
> ?
> 
> anywho, enjoy <3

**Note 2**

            Rei and Nagisa are both reliving that moment now. They curl into each other more tightly. They are thinking of how their lives might have been if Rei hadn’t realized—or if he hadn’t been quick enough. They are thinking of how much they would have missed out on if the train had hit Nagisa that day. Surely Nagisa wouldn’t have a lot to worry about. But for Rei, things would be very difficult. Perhaps he would’ve stopped sleeping at night, would’ve fallen back on his schoolwork, would’ve slowly plummeted down into an abyss of regret and loneliness. Frightened by the very prospect of being without his blonde counterpart, Rei wraps his arms around Nagisa’s chest and squeezes. Nagisa does not resist. But he smiles, leans his head back on Rei’s shoulder. He is content. So very happy to be loved like this. After a few moments, encased in each other’s presence, Rei loosens his grip and grabs the notebook for himself. They can hear rain beginning to patter against the windowpane.

            A shiver runs along Nagisa’s body as Rei writes his own note down. He wishes that they could light another cigarette, but he doesn’t want to leave the comfort that he has found in Rei’s body. Does not want to leave this little place they’ve found on the floor of their apartment with nothing but each other and a few thin blankets to warm them. Rei continues to write, to think, desperate to find a memory that might relieve him of the images in his head at the moment—images of the train, the bird and the cream puff in its talons, the terrified look on Nagisa’s face as he thought for a moment, I’m going to die. He wants to think of something happy now. Nagisa closes his eyes, as if to sleep, but he won’t.

            Finally, Rei passes the notebook back to him.

            _Yes, I do remember that. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been so terrified in my life. But you know what I just thought of? A much happier memory. That time when I was sick at school and could hardly function, and you dragged me to the nurse’s office. Remember? I mean, it wasn't happy at the time, but I smile thinking back on it._

Nagisa reads the note and blushes. There is no way that he could ever forget that time.

* * *

             It happened on a day that was truly beautiful, though a bit chilly. A few weeks after the train incident. Autumn had set in, and summer had long since passed. But the sun was still out and I enjoyed how blue the sky was. Those were my thoughts as I sat in class, trying my very hardest to pay attention. And failing miserably, of course. My tendencies were to daydream in class, doodle in my notebook, tease the people sitting in front of me, and then read the books and the lectures and study after I’d gotten home. That seemed to work out pretty well for me—my grades were nearly on par with Rei’s. Though, he did help me study a lot. There was something about the school atmosphere that made it so difficult for me to actually focus. Perhaps it was the mere fact that they wanted me to focus so badly that I just couldn’t. My brain has a funny way of working sometimes.

            As soon as it was time for the lunch break, I leaped across the room to where Rei sat. Inconveniently, our assigned seats put us on opposite sides of the room. But I had no room to complain since we were in the same class. As always, Rei had brought his own lunch. I’d started bringing my own, too, once I realized that he didn’t like coming with me to the cafeteria where I bought my pastries and juice boxes.

            “Whatcha eating today, Rei-chan?” I beamed. I took my normal seat in the desk in front of his, but sat backwards and put my bento on his desk. The first time I’d done it, he had yelled at me and told me to stop, but I hadn’t, so now he’d gotten used to it. When I smiled at him, expecting him to smile back or heave an exasperated sigh or answer my question as he normally did, he wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring down at his bento, his face completely pale and his glasses sliding down his nose. There was a very glum expression on his face, a dullness in his eyes, that I didn’t like one little bit.

            “Hey, are you okay?” I asked.

            “Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he said. But I knew he was lying. His voice had lost its normal luster. It was hoarse and dry, and he looked like he needed a really long nap.

            “You don’t _look_ fine. Or sound fine,” I persisted. I poked his cheek gently, until he finally looked up at me with his sunken eyes. He really, really didn’t look fine. I leaned forward, my chin on my arms, and furrowed my brow. “Actually, you look terrible.”

            “Don’t get so close to me, Nagisa-kun,” he said. He turned his face away, as if he were embarrassed about something. His cheeks seemed more flushed than usual. I felt my lower lip jut out in a pout—my immediate reaction to Rei’s discontented mood. But it was more than just a mood. I wasn’t a doctor or anything, but I could definitely tell that there was something physically wrong.

            “Are you sick?”

            “No, I’m okay—”

            I pushed aside our bento and leaned my elbows forward on the desk. Before he could say anything, I put my hand on the back of his head and leaned my forehead against his. To see if it was hot. I felt him holding his breath as soon as our foreheads touched. His skin felt like fire. Definitely a fever. It was even making me hot (but, looking back on it, me being hot wasn’t just because of his fever). His hair, though, was nice and soft in my fingers.

            “N-Nagisa-kun, what are you—?”

            “You definitely have a fever. You’re sick! Go to the nurse’s office,” I said, sitting back down in my chair. He blinked at me, like I had said something in another language. I smiled, to try and make him a little more comfortable. “If you don’t take care of yourself, it’ll only get worse.”

            “I can’t miss school,” he said defiantly. I picked up my chopsticks and started picking at my rice.

            “Sure you can. It’s not that big of a deal. Your health comes first!”

            “I appreciate the concern, but I’m not going to the nurse’s office. I’ll be fine. It’s just a little fever.”

            “Felt like more than that to me,” I sang at him. His cheeks got redder and he turned away. There wasn’t really anything else I could say to convince him, and I knew he wouldn’t listen to me (yet), so I just shut my mouth. But I knew I was right. Even now people don’t take me seriously all the time, but I never say anything without meaning it, and I’m much more aware than people think. And what I was aware of at that moment was that Rei was going to get very, very sick if he didn’t go to the nurse’s. But he wasn’t going to listen to me (yet). I let him be.

            Of course, my suspicions were right, and my predictions came true during gym class. It was one of the last days that it was possible to go outside, so we went to play some football. I was never very good, but if it meant being active and getting to run around and do fun things, I always wanted to be involved. Rei was always pretty good, too. Even now he can generally pick up sports surprisingly well (except for swimming, but whatever). But on this particular day, as I ran down the field kicking the ball every which way without much consideration for where the goal actually was, I noticed Rei sluggishly dragging his feet. I called out to him at one point, waving and jumping around, but he only raised a meek hand in response. 

            During one of the breaks, he went over to a nearby tree and collapsed in the grass beneath it. Nobody really noticed, because he hadn’t had much of a presence until that point anyway. I stood in the center of the field, my hands clasped behind my back, as I watched him. It was chilly out, but I had stopped noticing because of how much I was running around. Now that I was standing still, I felt the cold. With a wave of my hand to the others, I hugged myself and trotted over to where Rei lay. He was on his back, one arm spread out and one covering his face. He had taken off his glasses, and they were just there, in the grass. Unprotected. He never did that. He was breathing out through his mouth. I put my hands on my knees and crouched forward, until I covered up the sunlight that was falling onto him. I didn’t like seeing him like this. It made me feel uncomfortable—which sounds like a selfish thing to say. But by that point Rei had become so close to me that when something was wrong with him, I felt it as if it were my own discomfort. I might as well have been sick, too.

            “Rei-chan...” I said gently. He grumbled, moved his arm away, and squinted up at me. I blinked at him. “Can you even see anything? You must be blind without your glasses.”

            “Mm.”

            “Look at you. You’re really sick,” I mumbled. Now I was mad at both of us: him for not listening to me and taking care of himself, and me for not forcing him to the nurse’s. Being outside in this weather wasn’t doing him any good. I plopped down on my knees in the grass next to him. The blades were cold and wet from being in the shade of this tree. The teacher would probably show up soon to ask us what was going on. “I’m taking you to the nurse’s office.”

            “No, I’m—”

            “Stop telling me you’re fine!” I cried, before he could even _think_ about finishing. He just looked at me. Determined now to make him listen, I grabbed his arm and helped him sit up. Then, while he supported himself against me, I gingerly picked up his glasses, breathed on the lenses, and wiped them with my shirt—which I knew he didn’t like (he had a special wipe for them), but it would have to do for now. I could tell his nose was clogged up and his fever had only gotten higher. He stared at me, his eyelids drooping heavily, as I slowly put his glasses back onto his face. His skin felt like fire on my fingertips.

            “Come on. We’re going now.”

            Finally, I think he just resigned himself to my stubbornness. It was something I was known for, and the reason we were friends to begin with. He’d never been able to fight it before. He draped his arm over my shoulders and let me lift him onto his feet. Now, I wouldn’t ever describe myself as weak, or strong for that matter, but supporting Rei at that moment was rather difficult. He couldn’t support himself even a little bit, so he was leaning all of his weight against me. But I gritted my teeth and I sucked it up. I called over to the others that I was taking Rei to the nurse’s office. Then we stumbled off to the infirmary, where it was confirmed that he had a fever of 103 degrees.

            I sat at his bedside while the nurse gave him medicine and a nice, long lecture about how irresponsible he had been. I was holding in my laughter because the whole time, he was furrowing his brow in the funniest way, and would steal glances at me that seemed to say, “Don’t say a word.” Finally, when Rei’s face was flushed with embarrassment and he couldn’t say anything, the nurse let out a sigh and looked at me.

            “Thank you for bringing him here, Hazuki-kun. He could have been in some real trouble.”

            “No need to thank me,” I beamed, swinging my legs under the chair.

            “You can go back to class now.”

            “Um, actually, would you mind if I stayed here with him? I mean, there’s only one period left—”

            “Hazuki-kun, you know I can't do that.”

            Her voice was stern, but I knew exactly how to deal with the by-the-rules adults like her. It’s easy when you’re blessed with an adorable face like I am. I made my eyes as big as I could and pouted, blinking up at her.

            “Please, please, pleaaase? He’s my bestest friend in the whole world and I just want to make sure he’s okay! Please don’t make me leave him here...all alone...”

            She stared at me like I had just slapped her, especially when I got the tears going. Bumbling and grabbing me tissues and a lollipop, she of course conceded, on the condition that I help him get home and call his parents. I popped the sucker into my mouth and looked at Rei. He was staring at me with narrowed eyes.

            “How do you do that?”

            “Natural charm!” I winked. He cracked a smile then—the first one I’d seen all day. And it made me feel very warm inside, and I had to lean closer so that I could see it better. He looked like he was getting sleepy, and the meds were starting to kick in.

            “Hey, did you mean what you said?” he murmured. He was getting drowsier and drowsier, his voice getting quieter and quieter.

            “What did I say?”

            “That you don’t want me to be alone...or do you just want to skip class.”

            “Both,” I said. I put my hand on his arm and squeezed, leaning in closer so that he didn’t have to talk too loudly. “I don’t think you’d leave me here if I were sick.”

            “Who knows?” he grinned. “I’d like to think that I wouldn’t. Thank you, Nagisa-kun.”

            “Like I said. No need to thank me. You should sleep, Rei-chan. So you don’t get even more sick.”

            He gave a weak little nod, closed his eyes, and was asleep. He looked peaceful in his slumber, with little speckles of sunlight falling on his skin through the window. I’d seen him sleep plenty of times before, during sleepovers and things like that, but something about now was different. I couldn’t look away. Maybe it was the sunlight—or the way his face had that nice, red hue to it—or the light smile that was still on his lips as he slept. I tucked my feet underneath me on the chair and leaned my arms on the bed, watching him. I wondered, for a moment, how I’d managed to get lucky enough to make him my friend. Then I remembered that luck had nothing to do with it.

            “Even when you’re sick, you’re beautiful,” I whispered to him. He probably couldn’t hear me, but there was no way I’d be able to say something like that to him in such a serious tone if he were awake. I glanced around, to make sure that the nurse wasn’t around. Because I had just gotten a very strange urge, something that I’d never really felt before. But I really, really, really wanted to kiss him—in the same way that I wanted to eat sweet things when I was sad, or listen to happy music when I needed a pick-me up. It was something I couldn’t explain. But it was more than my body wanting something physical. As cheesy as it sounds, it felt like the desire was coming right from my soul.

            I leaned forward and was really gentle, because I didn’t want to wake him up. I put my lips on his forehead and weaved my fingers through his, so I could feel a little bit closer. His skin was smooth and not as hot as before when my lips made contact. He tasted a little bit salty. Probably from his sweat. But it felt like I was meant to be there. I squeezed his hand and, though I’ll never be a hundred percent sure that this happened, I could’ve sworn that he squeezed my hand, too. That in his sleep he was holding onto me. I pulled back and felt very satisfied. Like I could have gone to sleep right there and had amazing dreams.

            We took the train home together, as always, and he seemed like he was feeling a lot better. Though it might have just been the meds. I smiled at him and he smiled back, and even though his smile was tired, it was nice. I wanted to mention how beautiful he looked because I figured that’d be something he’d want to hear, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it for some reason. And I’m usually so good at saying what I feel.

            I helped him to his house and offered to stay the night, but he told me he didn’t want to get me sick. So I went back to my house. I had a really weird feeling—I couldn’t get the image of him, asleep in the nurse’s office and holding my hand, out of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to tell him that he was beautiful. I felt something moving around in my stomach, something invisible and intangible.

            I think it was the first time I wondered if I was in love with Rei. The first time I asked myself, Do you love him, Nagisa?

            I didn’t have an answer at that point.


	3. Note 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are coming along more slowly than expected
> 
> hopefully i'll be more consistent in the future...maybe...
> 
> hope you like this one!

Note 3

 

            Rei doesn’t know the part about Nagisa’s kiss. And Nagisa doesn’t tell him now. He just sits in the memory of it, in the innocence of the kiss he had planted on Rei’s feverish forehead that day. The rain has gotten much louder, and Rei’s arms have gotten even tighter. After that day Rei has listened to (almost) every piece of advice that Nagisa has given him, having realized that Nagisa has an intuition sharper than an old sage. As they sit, and Nagisa thinks of the next note to write, sifting through the millions of memories and images flipping through his mind, Rei buries his nose in Nagisa’s hair and breathes in. But it tickles a little bit, so Nagisa flinches and giggles uncontrollably. The sound of his laughter is music to Rei’s hungry ears. He buries his nose deeper and, while Nagisa is defenseless, squeezes at the sides of his stomach.

            Even through the cold, Nagisa’s ticklish nature gets the best of him, and he begins to wriggle around and laugh more loudly than the rain pounding against the window. He resists, but doesn’t resist. Pushes himself away, but welcomes Rei’s touch, because it is welcome and warm in nearly every situation. When Rei has had his fill of Nagisa’s symphonic laughter, he hugs him around the waist and kisses his shoulder and pulls him more tightly against him. Nagisa, still trembling with laughter, leans his head back and intertwines his fingers with Rei’s. And then, he knows the memory that he wants to relive next. In the midst of his giggles, he grabs the notebook and begins to write.

            _Remember the day that Mako-chan, Haru-chan, Sou-chan, and Rin-chan graduated? And we all snuck into the Iwatobi pool? And you were so nervous the whole time! You couldn’t just relax. You’ve gotten much better at breaking rules since then._

Rei nearly bursts into laughter when he reads the note, and his cheeks flush from reliving the happiness of that particular day. 

* * *

 

It was March and the world was getting bright again after a gloomy, cloudy winter. The cherry blossoms were blooming and I found my runs to school growing more pleasant each morning. Today, however, Nagisa and I were not running the last stretch to school. We were sitting quietly, solemnly, beside each other on the train. Makoto and Haruka were not with us. We had hardly said a word the entire ride. I glanced over at him, and he was staring at the ground with his lips in a steady pout and his brow furrowed just slightly. In the characteristically childish expression he always made when he was very upset and trying to hide it. Not that I was much better—I knew that in a few hours, I would be struggling to hold back my tears.

            It was the day of Makoto and Haruka’s graduation. They were leaving us—Makoto to attend university, and Haruka to pursue professional swimming with Rin. The family that we had built together was going to break apart, clean in half, with only Nagisa and myself remaining to try and rebuild it. I imagined the two of us come summer, Gou at our side, recruiting the fresh new faces that would no doubt be eager to join the swim club now that we were champions. But I also imagined us without Makoto—the foundation of it all, the voice of reason, the glue that kept us together and kept us calm when panic threatened to ensue. I imagined us without Haruka—our inspiration. Our ideal. The person who pushed us to swim because we loved it, the person who had helped me find myself in the blue waters of that pool.

            They were leaving.

            Nagisa had hardly been able to say good morning. Now we sat, marinating in the silence, hoping that maybe the train would just keep going forever and we wouldn’t have to face the backs of our friends as they walked away from us.

            When we arrived at the school, we walked beside each other to the auditorium, where the graduation ceremony was to take place. I looked down at Nagisa again, and became overwhelmingly thankful that he was still by side. That at least there was this person, my anchor, my rock, to push me forward in the coming year (and hopefully beyond). But at that particular moment, he just looked very downtrodden, and it was out of character and made me indescribably queasy. Nagisa was always the one to smile in the worst of times. If he didn’t smile, how the hell was _I_ supposed to smile?

            _Where’s your smile? Where did it go?_

            I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed, just a sign to let him know that I was there beside him. He gazed up at me with those huge eyes, shimmering. When they met mine, he finally did smile. The corners of his lips turned up and sent my heart fluttering, forced the corners of my own mouth upward, as well.

            (At the time, of course, I attributed the fluttering to the strength of our friendship. Though I’m fairly certain that’s not what it was, looking back.)

            “We have to put on smiling faces for Haru-chan and Mako-chan,” he said, clenching his little fists. “This is a big day for them. A happy day.”

            “Of course! We have to be excited for them,” I agreed. I squeezed his shoulder again, until I heard his laugh ring out and shake even the trees.

            After the ceremony, when new graduates Makoto and Haruka met up with us, I inevitably burst into tears. While Haruka smiled gently, Makoto laughed nervously and made feeble attempts to comfort me, and Nagisa grabbed me by the waist and began to cry as well. The tears flowed for them, for us, for the team that had taken Japan by storm. They flowed in sadness for what we were going to lose, and in hope for what we were going to gain.

            We had lunch with Rin, Gou, Sousuke, Aiichirou, and Momotarou in a cute little café that had sandwiches (with mackerel, obviously) and very good desserts, to appease Nagisa and his sweet tooth. I could see from Aiichirou’s eyes that he had been crying, too, and he was sticking very close to Rin’s side. In this gloomy air, though, Rin’s eyes shined. His smile was incessant, his energy contagious. It certainly rubbed off on Nagisa. We sat at the table and we made jokes, relived memories, tasted each other’s sandwiches. At one point, Nagisa forced me to take a bite of his cheesecake, after which Momotarou begged Gou to feed him, too. Earning himself a flick to the forehead from Rin.

            Stepping back, I couldn’t help but be astounded by the beauty of it all.

            “Let’s do something fun tonight! To celebrate,” Nagisa cried, planting his hands on the table and causing it to shake.

            “Calm down, Nagisa-kun, you’re going to make the manager angry!”

            “Like what?” Rin asked, intrigued.

            “A night club?” Sousuke ventured.

            “I’m a terrible dancer though,” Aiichirou said.

            “You don’t have to be _good_ to like it. Right, babe?” Momotaro said, shaking his shoulders suggestively at Gou. She laughed, a slight blush in her cheeks.

            “I, for one, am a wonderful dancer,” I said. “After all, it’s an art of _beauty_.”

            “What do you think, Haru?” Makoto said, turning to the silent Haruka. Who was still nibbling at the mackerel. He hadn’t even bothered with the bread. He shrugged.

            “I don’t mind.”

            “ _No! Wait!”_ Nagisa gasped suddenly, making us all flinch in our seats. He was nearly standing up on his chair now, his smile wide and dramatic.

            “Nagisa-kun, sit—!”

            “Let’s sneak into the Iwatobi pool!”

            “Look. If you’re gonna say things like that, it would probably be better to say them quietly,” Sousuke sighed.

            “What do you guys think? Great idea, right?” He plopped back down into his chair and, as usual, turned to me first. He grabbed my arm and rubbed his cheek against it, gazing up with those puppy dog eyes. “Right, Rei-chan? Right?”

            “I-I don’t know. I’m never comfortable breaking rules like that...”

            “What’s the worst that could happen, huh?” Rin smirked. “C’mon. Let’s do it. We’ve done it before, right?”

            “Don’t encourage him, please, Rin-san.”

            “I say we do it!” Momotarou cried. He threw his arm around Gou’s shoulder, despite Rin’s angry glares.

            “Sure, why not?” she smiled.

            “If Rin-senpai goes, I’ll go,” Aiichirou said with a confident nod.

            “I’m okay with it, as long as we’re careful,” Makoto said.

            Nobody had to ask Haruka to know that he would be joining us.

            So, despite my protests, at midnight, we snuck into the Iwatobi club pool.           

* * *

 

            Sousuke was surprisingly good at picking locks. He led the way inside with a crooked smile while Nagisa bounced beside him, jittery with excitement. The last time I had snuck in here was when Nagisa had run away from his family, but that had been a very different situation. This was nothing like that, and it was making me nervous. All I could do was picture the pit in my stomach and the looks on my parents’ faces if the police were to catch us in here, with our bags filled with bathing suits and kickboards and pool noodles. Makoto must have noticed my apprehension, because he put his hand on my shoulder as we walked in and warmed me with his smile—the one that I was convinced had supernatural powers of some sort.

            “Just enjoy it,” he said. “It might be the last time we’re all together like this for a long time.”

            “Yes, I suppose you’re right...”

            Haruka was the first into the pool. Before I had even taken off my shoes, he had stripped and dived in, form as slick and perfect as ever. I was still getting used to the uncharacteristic darkness of the club; we were usually here during the day, with the sunlight pouring in through the windows. But the moonlight had a different effect. Not entirely bad. Just a different beauty, its round white reflection shimmering in the black water.

            “Yo, wait up!” Rin cried, hopping out of his pants and jumping in after him.

            “Let me show you how a _real_ swimmer does it,” Sousuke grinned. Then the three of them were in the pool, though Haruka remained predominantly underneath the surface. Momotarou pushed in Aiichirou while he still had his shirt on, and then Gou pushed in Momotarou while he still had his shirt _and_ his pants on. I found myself smiling, unbuttoning my shirt and slipping out of my khakis. Makoto was sitting on the edge of the pool, letting his feet dangle in, and Nagisa was backing up for a running start.

            “Watch out, Haru-chan, I’m coming right at you!”

            “Please do—”

            “Woohoo!”

            Nagisa sprinted past me and leaped into the air, spreading out his limbs, before collapsing into the water right where Haruka had been treading. In a few more moments I was in the pool as well, letting the water seep into my skin.

            “Oi, Makoto, hand me a few noodles!” Rin called.

            Makoto tossed the noodles that we had brought into the water, and Rin grabbed the nearest one and threw it to Haruka.

            “I hereby challenge thee, Haruka Nanase, to a _duel_.”

            With his pearly, always intimidating smile, Rin began waving his noodle ungracefully in the air. Haruka looked at his noodle, blinked, looked back up at Rin.

            “A what?”

            “I’m gonna smack you with the noodle, ‘kay, Haru?”

            Without further ado, Rin smacked Haruka with the noodle. Then the duel ensued, with water flying in all directions and laughs erupting throughout the arena.

            “Go Haru-chan!” Nagisa called, thrusting his fist into the air.

            “You slap him with that noodle, babe!” Sousuke laughed.

            “Senpai, be careful!”

            “Guys, guys, I have an idea!” Momotarou suddenly cried, just as Rin’s noodle let out a small thump against Haruka’s disheveled head. “A chicken tournament.”

            “Chicken? What is chicken?” I asked.

            “Ooh, ooh, I’ll explain,” Nagisa grinned, swimming up to me. “So, you have one person on the bottom, and one person on the top. On the partner’s shoulder. And you have two pairs against each other, right?” He put up his two index fingers, apparently to represent the two pairs.

            “All right, I’m following so far...”

            “And the two people on top have to try to push each other off. The last pair standing wins!”

            “Ah. So it’s a game of strength.”

            “And teamwork,” Makoto chimed in. “I’ll play. But we have an odd number...”

            “I’ll sit out,” I offered, imaging how the game might play out. It seemed dangerous and frustrating and not very beautiful and I wasn’t sure that was how I wanted to spend my time.

            “No. You can’t. Because you’re gonna be my partner,” Nagisa said with a definitive pout. “We’ll just take turns.”

            “Nagisa-kun, I don’t—”

            “No buts! You’re playing.” He cupped his chin in his hand and looked around at everyone. The room was now eerily silent, with no sounds except that of our steady breathing, the ripples in the water, the occasional chuckle. “Okay. Mako-chan and Haru-chan, you’ll be partners. Sou-chan and Rin-chan will be partners. Gou-chan, Momo-chan, and Aii-chan will be a group of three, switching each time. And of course I’ll be with Rei-chan.”

            Nagisa had always been competitive with games like this; on a daily basis he was carefree, oblivious, a little bit reckless. But when it came to competition he was as serious as it came, and it always came as a bit of a surprise to me. Even at that moment he had a very intense expression on his face.

            “You can top this time, Rin,” Sousuke winked.

            “Shut the hell up, asshole!”

            “Since I’m a bit bigger than you are, you can get onto my shoulders, Haru.”

            “Okay.”

            “Gou-san! You’ll sit on my shoulders, right?”

            “W-wait, what about me?”

            “You’ll go next round, Nitori.”

            “Aw, fine.”

            As each team began their strategies, Nagisa grabbed my arm and pulled me down, so that he could speak clearly into my ear. I held back my soft laughter—when he made faces like that, I always found myself laughing. They were so funny and serious.

            “All right, listen. We have to strategize well. I’m not the strongest person here. I might be able to take out Haru-chan and Gou-chan...but Mako-chan is really steady and balanced, and I could never take out Rin-chan with brute strength,” he began. “So we need to work together.”

            Now that I was involved, I figured I’d go all the way.

            “We’re not going to rely on brute strength,” I said, the gears turning in my head. I was thinking about every combination, the strengths and weaknesses of each person, every possible outcome. “We have to focus on keeping balance.”

            “Okay. I trust you completely,” Nagisa said.

            “Instead of forcing them down, we’ll have to trip up their balance. Not to mention Sousuke-san has that problem with his shoulder...honestly, I’m most worried about Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai.”

            We spoke in hushed tones for another few minutes, figuring out our strategy with evidently devious expressions and mischievous intentions. My heart was swelling with happiness now that I was comfortable, confident that nobody would find us (hopefully), and I was nearly bursting from how much I enjoyed being surrounded by these people. I blinked away the tears again, now that I was thinking about not being able to do this again.

            Two minutes later, we came into a circle.

            “We’ll do it round-robin style! First round is the _sibling rivalry!_ Gou-chan against Rin-chan!” Nagisa announced. Even though we weren’t up yet, he had hoisted himself up onto my shoulders, and had taken on the role of announcer. He crossed his arms and looked out over his kingdom, while I held his legs and smiled up at him. Even if he couldn’t see my smile.

            “I won’t go easy on you, sis,” Rin snarled as Sousuke rose up beneath him, carrying him on his shoulders.

            “Oh please, _you_ should be the one asking for mercy,” Gou said. I had never seen Momotarou happier than when he had his head there between Gou’s legs.

            “Ready, and... _fight!”_

Gou-chan was down in less than a minute. With Rin’s strength and Sousuke’s sturdy body (not to mention their...well-practiced...teamwork), it hadn’t been much of a match.

            “Okay, okay, now us against Mako-chan and Haru-chan!” Nagisa called. He put his hands on my cheeks then and leaned down, so that I could look into his upside-down face. “We have to win, all right, Rei-chan?”

            “All right, Nagisa-kun. We’ll win.”

            “Good!”

            Makoto and Haruka drifted in front of us. Makoto was smiling, but I knew the intentions there. I knew that he had come to win, and nothing else. Haruka’s expression, on the other hand, betrayed no ulterior motives—I knew that he was just as distracted as he seemed. His hands were sitting gently atop Makoto’s head, his eyes gazing upon the water.

            “Haru,” Makoto called. “You know what to do.”

            “Yup. Push Nagisa into the water.”

            “Sorry, Mako-chan,” Nagisa sighed. I found it effortless to follow his movements, keeping myself perfectly beneath him at all points. I had come to know his mannerisms and idiosyncrasies so well that I probably could have followed with little to no effort at all. “You’re going to lose this one.”

            Sousuke put his hand up, ready to announce the start of this chicken battle. I gripped Nagisa’s legs a little more tightly. I heard (though I most definitely was not meant to hear this) Momotarou lean over to Rin and say, “200 yen on Haru and Makoto.”

            “Ready, and... _fight!”_

“Forward!” Nagisa cried. I moved forward.

            I’m not entirely sure what happened next. It’s a blur. What I remember is hearing Nagisa’s laughter ringing in my ears, looking up and seeing the smiles bright and clear and he and Haruka’s faces as they grappled. I remember feeling Nagisa’s legs squeezing the sides of my neck, struggling to stay atop my shoulders. I remember the warmth of his closeness. I remember moving beneath him, thinking of nothing but the very clear goal of keeping him seated on his throne on top of the world.

            Somehow, a few minutes later, Haruka was in the water, and Nagisa was cheering. Before I could settle him down or get him back into the water, he leaned backward—perhaps on accident—and pulled me down beneath the surface with him. Even among the splashes of the water as it encased us, I heard his laughter. Could sense his smile and his warmth.

            In the water, things suddenly became quiet. I felt the speckles of moonlight falling against my skin and, having grown accustomed to the ritual of holding my breath, closed my eyes to feel the silky smoothness of the water. I floated there in the center of the pool, in a world of my own. When I opened my eyes, I saw Nagisa. He was floating in front of me, blonde tendrils swaying with the water and eyes flashing. The blue danced on his skin a beautiful waltz, and even though I couldn’t say anything, I smiled. He smiled back. His wide, so-happy-he-could-cry smile. He looked surreal, and I forgot about the others. I forgot about the fact that they were leaving. I forgot about the fact that we were celebrating what was our last hurrah together for an inevitably long time. The only thing of which I was aware was Nagisa and his smile and the way his hair was moving in the crystal waters.

            He moved forward and wrapped his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. He squeezed me, as if he had known from the depths of my soul to his that I needed this. He had looked into my eyes and seen me crying out to him. He hugged me and I, slightly startled, hugged him back. But my lungs were beginning to ache now. While he was still grappling onto me, I floated back up to the surface, taking a deep breath as he broke through to the air. Suddenly I could hear the others’ voices, their jokes, their continued chicken tournament. I could feel the chilliness of the pool’s air. And I could feel every beat of Nagisa’s heart. Pulsing straight against my chest. With each beat I held him more tightly. The coolness of his cheek against mine was warm and reassuring, his breath in my ear tantalizing. I had never felt so close to anybody. This was my best friend, the person who understand even when we were under the water and silent what I needed.

            _Keep smiling like that, won’t you, Nagisa-kun?_

            “Don’t let go, okay?” he whispered into my ear. I smiled again, the tears accumulating on my eyes.

            “Let go of what?” I whispered back with my shaky smile.

            “Me. This. I don’t know, just don’t.”

            “Where is this coming from?”

            “Please promise. You won’t let go. Promise.”

            “I...I promise.”

            “Okay! Who’s ready to lose next?” Nagisa suddenly let go of me and splashed back into the water, as if our moment below the water’s surface had never happened. He cried out and laughed and splashed and all I could see was his smile, hear his trembling voice, feel him grappling onto me like a frightened child to a mother. “Or are you too afraid to face us?”

            _I promise. For as long as we’re together._

 


	4. Note 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo again
> 
> so quick rant
> 
> i feel like a lot of times with fanfics people kind of gloss over the fact that coming to terms with sexuality is actually hard and a big deal and stuff 
> 
> so here is a chapter dedicated to it, because i don't think it's right to skip over this. i know the experience firsthand and it's most definitely not something to be brushed aside, even in the world of smutty and/or fluffy gay fanfic. 
> 
> yay for baby queer Nagisaaaaaaaaa my smol bb 
> 
> enjoy <3

Note 4

 

            Nagisa is turned around now, on his knees, and his arms are wrapped around Rei’s neck. Rei breathes in his sweet vanilla scent and holds him tightly, so tightly that they might as well have been one single person. He puts his lips to Nagisa’s neck and holds them there. The rain is still falling, and they are still happy. Rei is worried that, as he does in times of intense emotion, that he will begin to cry soon. Nagisa knows that Rei is worried about that, but he doesn’t mind when Rei cries—there’s something beautiful and intimate about crying together. He’s always thought so. When you cry, you give up a part of your soul to someone, baring yourself to them. So the first time they cried with each other Nagisa was unbelievably happy because it meant that Rei was giving a part of himself to him. They’re not afraid to cry with each other anymore, and they don’t judge each other for it, and they know when the tears are from sadness or happiness or ecstasy or fear.

            Gently, as Rei picks up the notebook, Nagisa puts his head to Rei’s chest and keeps his arms wrapped loosely around his waist. He wants to hear the sound of his beating heart, because it calms him, and he knows that Rei likes the smell of his hair. He closes his eyes and relaxes his muscles and falls into him. Rei puts another kiss to Nagisa’s forehead and begins to scribble in the notebook. A very vivid image has popped into his mind, a mysterious scene that happened years ago.

            _Do you remember when we first became co-captains of the swim team our third year, and you started sneaking around with Gou, and I had no idea why? I was so confused, and neither of you would explain yourselves!_

He knows the story behind it now, but he likes to tease Nagisa every once in a while with the silly secrets he used to keep. Though this one particular secret was not as silly as some of his others had been. Nagisa chuckles a bit at the memory, but he can remember the anxiety he felt, and he holds onto Rei more tightly.

* * *

             I had never been as nervous in my entire life as I was when I woke up that morning and packed my best, most expensive swimsuit into my bag. It was the day of our first practice. The day that we were, Rei predicted, to be flooded with first and second-years eager to join our two-man (and one-woman) team. The day that Rei and I would become co-captains of the Iwatobi swim team.

            We had had the argument so many times.

            “You be captain, Rei-chan. You’re more of a leader than I am!”

            “But you’re more experienced in swimming, you can teach them better, Nagisa-kun.”

            So the argument had gone until Gou had gotten so irritated she had just forced us into being co-captains—not that we minded much. It was a good combination. Rei was good with planning and training schedules and he knew how to stay in good shape; I knew about the swimming and the competition. I guess I’m not completely sure what he thought at the time, but I was ecstatic, ready to take on my role of being one half of the same coin with him. Gou, of course, was to stay the manager of the team. Even I could admit that there was no way to survive without her.

            Rei seemed especially tired on the train. His eyelids were drooping and he was staring off into the distance and I could tell by the socks he was wearing that he wasn’t planning on running the last bit of school, which meant that I had worn my tracksuit for nothing. I fixed my gaze onto his face and put my lower lip into a visible pout, nudging him lightly with my leg. He didn’t even notice. I nudged a little bit harder, this time with my elbow. He still didn’t notice. My attention quota was not being met and I was getting irritable.

            “Reeeeiiii-chaaaannnn!” I whined, hopping up lightly in my seat on the train.

            “Huh? What?” He blinked and looked down at me, as if surprised to remember that I was there. I crossed my arms and leaned closer.

            “You’re spacing out. Did you get enough sleep last night?”

            “In all honesty? No.”

            “Why not? You need your beauty sleep!”

            “Hey!” he cried as I began to chuckle. “It was for good reason. I was preparing for our first practice.”

            “Jeez, how much preparation does it need?”

            “Probably not as much as I did, admittedly,” he sighed with a smile.

            “Oh well. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t go overboard with everything.” I smiled back. His face did something strange then. The muscles in his face relaxed and the perpetual wrinkle between his brows disappeared, the usual tightness in his lips faded into a gentle, natural smile. Even through his drooping eyelids his eyes were bright, bright, blinding. I caught my breath in my throat and I sat on my hands and I stared up at him knowing that there was nothing in the world that could have torn me away. My heart was tumbling, my pulse racing—I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had collapsed right there.

            I wasn’t sure why.

            It was that feeling again, the strange, strange feeling that I couldn’t define but was feeling more and more often. The same thing I had felt when I had been at his bedside when he’d gotten sick at school, and had kissed his forehead. The same thing I had felt when we had been underwater together and I had hugged up, wrapped myself around him. A feeling of complete and utter loss of myself, loss of myself in the intricacies of his expression and the labyrinth of his eyes behind his glasses.

            I had never felt so frightened in my entire life.

            Frightened of him, frightened of myself, frightened of the storm in my heart.

            I had to do something.

            In a futile attempt to fill the silence and calm my flutters, I pulled out my phone.

            “I have to show you this really funny picture I found.” I began to scroll through my phone, hoping that he couldn’t notice my slightly—slightly—trembling finger.

            Do you love him, Nagisa? I asked myself. For what seemed the millionth time. I still didn’t have an answer.

            Rei turned out to be right; we had about fifteen people show up to our practice. And we didn’t even have to bribe them with our bird key chains or get naked (though I was slightly tempted to do it anyway). It was still too cold to use the pool at school, so we met at the club, where Coach Sasabe was ready for us. Rei and I changed into our swimsuits while Gou welcomed the new members of the team. With flushed cheeks and swelling chests, we went out to the pool to meet our excited newcomers. They were sitting on the bleachers, some in swimsuits and some not, some looking nervous and some looking absolutely ready. Rei stood before them and put his hands on his hips, a confident and alluring smile lighting up his features.

            “Welcome! My name is Rei Ryugazaki. Third-year. Specialty: butterfly.”

            “Nagisa Hazuki!” I chimed in, throwing out a peace sign. “Third-year. Specialty: breastroke.”

            “We will be the co-captains of the team this year, and we are happy to see you all of you here.”

            They all greeted us and I felt very important, and puffed out my chest. I noticed Rei do the same, but I’m pretty sure his was unconscious. Gou was holding a clipboard, a gentle smile on her face, ticking off names as Rei began to explain the procedure of the try-out. Everyone was to warm-up, using the spare swimsuits Rei had brought (predicting that some would not have brought their own), and then they were to go through each stroke separately. No worries, I made sure to tell them, we’re not going to cut anybody. Everybody who tries out, everybody who wants to be on the team, gets to be on the team. We knew that was how Rin and his team had done it, so we decided to go with that.

            But while Rei explained it all, I continued to stare at Gou. She was very pretty, wasn’t she? She had very delicate features and her eyes were big and bright. Her lips had a very nice shape to them when she smiled, and her hair was soft and silky. Gou was very beautiful. It seemed to run in the family.

            I felt something strange when I looked at her, though. A knot in my stomach began to form as I came to the conclusion that there was something missing, a sensation that I should have been feeling when I looked at someone as pretty as Gou.

            She looked up and caught my eye. She blinked, and I realized that I must have been making an unusual expression. I turned away quickly, back to the newcomers of the team, but I could feel her eyes on me still. My skin was shaky, my heart pounding. Especially when I looked up at Rei and saw his confident smile, his toned muscles as he (quite deliberately) flexed them. I wanted to leave, right then and there, without warning even from myself.

            When everyone began preparing to get into the pool, Gou came up to us.

            “Rei, take the clipboard for a second, will you? Nagisa and I have to—um...I have to ask him about the homework!” she stuttered.

            “But you’re not even in the same class,” Rei said, receiving the clipboard with incredulity. I wasn’t sure what Gou was doing, or why she had grabbed onto my arm and was already dragging me toward the locker room.

            “Right, well, I need his help anyway. Be back in a sec,” she insisted. And then we walked through the doors.

            “What was that about?” I asked.

            “You seem off.”

            I bit my lower lip. A sign that there was no way for me to respond. I was not good at hiding my feelings, but I was not good at admitting them, either.

            “Is everything okay? Is it something going on at home again?”

            “N-no, nothing like that,” I replied softly.

            “Then what? You were looking at me with a really weird expression on your face. To be honest, it worried me.”

            “What did it look like?” I asked. She furrowed her brow. “My face, I mean. What did it look like?”

            “I don’t know...kind of like you were looking for something, but couldn’t find it.”

            I was silent again.

            “Are you just nervous about being captain?” she continued. “Because if that’s it, then—”

            “No, that’s not it,” I sighed. I peered past her shoulder into the pool, where Rei was encouraging those who were already in the pool. He had his goggles pushed to the top of his head and his face was glowing. She followed my gaze for a moment, and then looked back at me.

            “Then what? You know you can talk to me.”

            “If I knew, I would tell you,” I admitted. Her expression softened, and she pinched my cheek with a smile.

            “Take time to figure yourself out,” she said. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here, all right? And I know if you call Rin he’ll answer.”

            “Pfft, thanks,” I said. She probably wasn’t aware that I was already bugging Rin, Haru, and Makoto enough. “Really, I mean it.”

            “Of course. All right, let’s head in there and show them what Iwatobi’s about, huh?”

            “Yeah.” 

* * *

 

            Rei and I rode the train back together and I thought a lot about what Gou had said.

            _“Take time to figure yourself out.”_

I tried to pinpoint the feeling missing from my heart, from my mind, maybe from my body when I had looked at her. I put my fingers to my mouth as I thought, staring at the ground and curling slightly into myself. I wished that I had a lollipop, or a piece of cake, or something. Even a piece of gum would’ve been helpful.

            “Everything okay?” Rei asked. I nodded, distracted, and didn’t look up at him. Rei always clouded my thoughts too much, so I had to avoid looking at him. “The new members of the team are really enthusiastic! I’m excited.”

            “Mhm.”

            “Erm...Nagisa-kun, what are you thinking about?”

            “Stuff.”

            “What kind of ‘stuff?’”

            “I don’t know, just stuff.”

            I heard him give an exasperated sigh beside me, but I was thinking much too hard to really notice. I felt a revelation, an epiphany, sitting on the edges of my mind. I was so close to grasping it. If I could, then maybe I would stop feeling so strange. Maybe the nerves that crushed me whenever I looked at Rei would disappear, and I wouldn’t feel so empty when I looked at Gou. Maybe I could stop feeling confused all the time.

            I lasted the entirety of practice the next day. Rei and I swam with the newcomers, explaining to them the different strokes and the potential training regimen and how competitions worked while Gou kept track on her little clipboard, throwing me wayward glances every few moments. But as soon as practice was done, in the chaos of everyone changing out of swimsuits and saying their farewells, I grabbed Gou and asked her if I could talk to her for just a little bit. I needed advice, I told her—just someone to talk to. Which was strange, even to me. I was so accustomed to going to Rei with these things, it felt like that should have been the natural thing to do.

            But I couldn’t go to him with this.

            “Nagisa-kun, should I wait for you?”

            “No, that’s okay. Go on ahead. I’ll see you tomorrow!” I waved, plastering a smile onto my face. He gave a half-hearted nod, and I could see the confusion in his face, even in the mannerisms of his body. I couldn’t blame him; I was acting strange. Even I could tell. But I couldn’t go to him with this.

            Gou and I sat on the edge of the pool. She dipped her feet, painted toes and all, into the water while I hugged my legs to my chest and stared at my reflection.

            “What’s up?” she said. She had been expecting this, it seemed.

            “Um...can I talk to you about something really personal?”

            “Of course.”

            “You won’t tell anyone?”

            “Nope.”

            “Not even Rei-chan?”

            That really got her attention. She straightened up and looked right into my eyes, even as I avoided her gaze.

            “Not even Rei,” she said. “What is it, Nagisa?”

            I needed to find the right way to say it, in a manner that would help the both of us understand, because lately my mind had been terribly muddled in a way that made it hard to think about anything at all.

            “So, I’m a guy, right?”

            “Yes...?” Gou said with a laugh. “You are.”

            “And you’re a girl.”

            “I think so.”

            “And you’re a really pretty girl,” I continued.

            “Oh. Well, thanks, you’re not half-bad yourself,” she teased. In any other situation I would have laughed, or at the very least smiled, but I just hugged my knees more tightly and kept my eyes on the pool.

            “I should be attracted to you, right?” I murmured. “Like, that’s the normal thing, right?”

            I was met with silence. And I hated silence. After a few terrible moments of it, I looked over at her desperately. She was watching my face, eyes glistening, and it almost seemed like she was holding back laughter. She must not have noticed that I, on my part, was holding back tears. They had appeared suddenly as the realization had hit me. The epiphany I had been waiting for had finally arrived and it was terrifying.

            “That’s not the normal thing for everyone,” she said. “Normal means something different for every person.”

            “But...guys are supposed to like girls, right?” I continued. I hated the sound of my voice cracking like this. “I’ve always liked girls, I’ve always thought they were pretty, I...”

            “Nagisa,” she said gently. All hints of her laughter had disappeared as the tears began streaming down my cheeks. She put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into her embrace, with an expression that was so warm and motherly that I felt I was about to burst. “You’re not ‘supposed’ to do anything.”

            “Is this how it’s always been? Have I always been like this?” I said, my words becoming less and less comprehensible.

            “I can’t answer that. And that’s okay.”

            “But what if I’m wrong! What if I do like girls and I just...”

            “Nagisa,” she said again. I looked up and she, without warning, put her lips against mine. I was shocked into silence as she held them there for a few seconds, and then pulled away with a loud _smack_. I was breathless. “All right. How was that?”

            “Um...”

            “Did it feel good?”

            “I mean, it didn’t feel _bad_.”

            “Should I do it again?”

            “No!”

            “It’s okay if you don’t like girls. It’s okay if you like guys, you know.”

            “But what if it’s only _that_ guy,” I blurted. Her eyes widened. “What if I’m not gay, I just like that one guy?”

            “Is the guy you’re talking about the one I _think_ you’re talking about?”

            I buried my face against my thighs.

            “Yes.”

            “Honestly, Nagisa, I can’t answer these questions for you,” she sighed, putting her fingers in my hair. It felt nice. “But I can help you figure things out. Don’t stress too much, okay?”

            I wanted to tell her that there was no way for me to _not_ stress—all of a sudden, the butterflies I had felt in my stomach when I saw Rei smile or when I touched him or when he said my name were becoming a question of my very identity.

            “Why don’t you come over to my house after school tomorrow and we can talk more, okay?”

            “Okay. Thanks, Gou. You’re the best.”

            “I know. Now let’s go, you’re gonna catch a cold.”

            “Okay.”   

* * *

 

            Rei tried to ask us about what we had been talking about the next day, and I don’t even remember the excuses we made. And when I told him I was going home with her, he became even more suspicious. But, from my perspective, there was no way to avoid it. I couldn’t be around him right now, not without feeling an overwhelming desire to burst into tears from a single look.

            I was sitting on the floor of Gou’s room, and she was sitting on the bed playing with my hair because I had told her that it helped calm me down.

            “When did you first start thinking about this?” she asked.

            “I don’t know, a few months ago, maybe?”

            “What brought it on?”

            “Well, I just...I’ve been feeling weird about Rei-chan lately.”

            “Weird how?”

            “I get butterflies when I’m around him. And sometimes I feel a really strong urge to just hold his hand—and lately I’ve been thinking that he’s just really beautiful. I mean, I’ve always thought that, but I feel like it’s different now.”

            “Different how?”

            “Like, as if ‘beautiful’ means something else. It’s not just me thinking that he looks beautiful, it’s me really _feeling_ it.”

            “Do you feel that way about girls?”

            “Sure, lots of girls are pretty. You’re pretty.”

            “What about other guys?”

            “Um...can you be more specific?”

            “My brother, for example. Do you think my brother is beautiful?”

            “Your brother is gorgeous.”

            She paused, and I paused, as the words left my mouth.

            “Nagisa?”

            “...Yeah?”

            “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

            “No.”

            “Have you ever wanted one?”

            “Not particularly, no.”

            My voice was starting to crack again, even as her fingers, twisting and turning in the tendrils of my hair, calmed my nerves. I was starting to question everything and it was terribly frustrating.

            “Gou?”

            “Hmm?”

            “Do you think I’m gay?”

            “I don’t know.”

            “What does gay mean, exactly? It always sounds so negative.”

            “Gay is not a negative thing,” she said firmly. “But sometimes society portrays it that way, which is sad. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s not something abnormal. Okay?”

            “I don’t fit the stereotypes...”

            “Well the stereotypes aren’t always true. Gay doesn’t mean that you’re a specific type of person or define your character. It’s just one part of you that fits in with a lot of other parts. And maybe you don’t even need a label.”

            “Gou?”

            “Hmm.”

            “I think you’re really pretty, and I like you a lot. But I don’t think I want to kiss you again.”

            “That’s okay.”

            And then I began to sob.

            Because the butterflies made sense, and I was terrified.            


End file.
